5: Unconditional Acceptance
unconditional acceptance of self, others and life
One of my requirements in obtaining my professional license in Michigan is that I have to participate in supervision. While on this transition from the school-based work to now the clinical setting, it has been incredibly helpful to have my supervisor, John, in my circle. Every other week, he provides the needed professional insight, as well as a listening ear for my setbacks and my work stress.
I view John as my professional grandpa. He shares his wisdom, along with jokes and inspiration to truly embrace this career shift. He cultivates space for me to dream-out-loud as my aspirations for my own private practice come to mind. John has had a very successful private practice for years now; this mentorship has allowed me to remain eager to learn and optimistic for my future in this career. He is a behaviorist and he specializes in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). As of last week, he and I have started a REBT study (think: book study, but for a therapeutic model); I bought some of the core REBT books, he assigns me readings and tasks, then when we meet, we discuss my caseload and craft a game plan, etc etc.
I am particularly interested in REBT for a handful of reasons. There’s a high regard for emotional literacy, and this model includes coping and social skills training to best support clients in making changes to elevate their quality of life. I am currently focusing on REBT’s core belief of unconditional acceptance. The creator of REBT, Albert Ellis, found that when individuals are married to the mindset of upholding strict demands and expectations, they are likely to feel high levels of uncomfortable feelings (stress, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc.), or what he identifies as “disturbances”. When individuals try to function while in a disturbed state (again, high levels of uncomfortable feelings), they have a high probability of sabotaging life goals and relationships.
So, let’s chat about the three beliefs of unconditional acceptance.
What is a demand?
Before we talk acceptance, we need to quick acknowledge what acceptance is not. In order to obtain acceptance, one must challenge and let go of demands. A great way to suspect something could be a demand is if it includes the word must. For example, “I must perform at my highest potential every single day I show up for work.” Can we actually show up at our peak 100% of the time of every single day? No, of course not. We all know we will have ~those days~ or even ~moments~ of “this will suffice.”
“I must always be emotionally available for my friends.” Can we 100% always have capacity to listen to someones distress? As much as we want to be, there will be times where you already have so much going on in your life; adding on someone’s turmoil just isn’t feasible. Sometimes we have to listen to our bodies and emotions to recognize “now just isn’t a good time.” And that’s okay when delivered out of love and respect.
There is a difference in acceptance and complacency — and that’s very important to note. We don’t want to condone mediocracy, but, rather, we accept the situation as-is. With acceptance, we can then engage in constructivism.
And a great way to challenge a demand is to replace the word must with prefer.
“I prefer to be able to perform above-and-beyind and at my highest potential every single day, but I know there will be days where doing what is asked of me is enough.”
“I prefer to be emotionally available for her at all times, but if there is a day where I am emotionally taxed, I know my lack of availability will not ruin this friendship.”
A quick word swap already allows some self-compassion and stress-relief. “Prefer” instills motivation and inspiration to reach the ideal, while “demand” instills fear — fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of imposterism.
The more I work with teens (and even navigate my own stressors), the more I realize it is the demands that cause of big, unpleasant feelings. It is because of the demands that we are unkind to ourselves. A demand can be the reason why a relationship is failing or why we place judgment on others. Because of our demands, it is natural to “awfulize” the situation in life. When we hold on to demands, we won’t have capacity for genuine gratitude or to “find the light at the end of the tunnel.”
Unconditional Self-Acceptance
Unconditional self-acceptance is letting go of unrealistic expectations (or demands) that you have placed on yourself. By doing so, not only do stress-levels lower, but we also open the doors for gratitude, grace and authentic appreciation for ourselves. In doing this work, I now know there is a distinct difference in the coined term “self-love” and unconditional self-acceptance.
Of course we want our loved ones to love themselves for all the reasons why we love them, but telling someone to engage in ~self-love~ when they are engaging in self-defeating behavior is like adding another demand to an already harmful demand. It’s similar to telling a highly anxious person to “stop worrying so much.” Without doing the work, the topical ~self-love~ is a mere bandaid fix, rather than addressing the root cause.
Unconditional self-acceptance is actively choosing to maintain high regard for yourself, even when —and especially when— you fall short or when you make a mistake. Unconditional self-acceptance is letting go of demanding perfection, and allowing the healthy balance of preferred perfection and acceptance for when we are not.
Imagine if at an early age children were taught this. To engage in the practice of still believing in yourself when your sandcastle tumbles; to see it tumble, but know you have the opportunity to try again, rather than solely decide “I am bad at building sandcastles.”
To still believe you are a capable athlete, even if you miss the free-throw to win the game. To choose to recognize that you will make a mistake — as all humans do — but you will not be defined by that mistake AND you will have future opportunities to make an important free-throw; you choose to NOT believe that you will be perpetually damned for this one error.
Fortunately, children are more apt to live in unconditional self-acceptance, especially in the early years. Unfortunately, they are easily impacted by their environment and the people in their lives, which is where the harmful demands begin to plant their seed. Letting go of decades of demands is not a quick fix; it not only takes time, but it also requires the buy-in — to believe that letting go of these demands is a necessity for unconditional self-acceptance.
To begin to engage in unconditional self-acceptance, go to therapy. Lol just joking (but not really). :)
Unconditional self-acceptance is HARD, but it’s the start to living an accepting, peaceful and gratitude-filled life! In fact, I would argue that it will take longer than the other forms of acceptance because it is incredibly deep-rooted. For some, a therapist is needed and that is a beautiful thing to have an unbiased stranger call out the incognito demands. But for others, some intentional deep work can be done without a therapist’s help. Regardless, we all can implement efforts to work towards unconditional self-acceptance.
Begin with identifying your demands. In your daily routine and endeavors, can you identify where perfection is a non-negotiable? Start with identifying just one! Verbalize or write down your limited belief (perfectionism) and rewrite it so that it includes “prefer.” Get rid of “must” !!
Again, we aren’t condoning complacency — we’re merely allowing ourselves to be a human that will inevitably make mistakes or fall short. We are susceptible to making mistakes, but we are motivated to perform our best. “I prefer to perform to my highest potential when at work.”
When you fall short or when a mistake happens, take a moment to notice yourself in that moment. Begin with your body — what is your body trying to tell you at this time? (For example, racing thoughts could be high levels of anxiety; an increased heartbeat could be the onset for high levels of anger or rage). What are your thoughts? Are you noticing any demanding thoughts - if so, what is your rewritten counter-offer? Train your thoughts and beliefs to recognize human error, rather than “awfulizing” — train your thoughts and beliefs to acknowledge that there will be future opportunities; you are not defined by this sole outcome.
Begin the practice of gratitude. Write down a list of a minimum of 5 things you are grateful for that represent unconditional self-acceptance.
Of course unconditional self-acceptance could be its own post, as there is much to cover, but the pointers listed above are a great start. Those 3 bullet points are referenced almost every single session when working with teens. Some of our greatest breakthroughs likely would not have happened had there not been diligent efforts for establishing unconditional self-acceptance.
Along with the diligence of self-acceptance, we also discuss the importance of accepting others unconditionally.
Unconditional Others-Acceptance
Unconditional others-acceptance highlights much of the same mentioned with unconditional self-acceptance, but through the lens of accepting others. Unconditional others-acceptance is letting go of the demand that others MUST treat you the way you want (or deserve) to be treated. The first time I heard it, I was like, “NO!” this is not something I believe in. The golden rule, right?!
But the more I’ve studied and practiced, I now realize that unconditional others-acceptance is choosing compassion for others when they fall short. Because we now recognize we ourselves will inevitably disappoint, we then can give grace to others when they fall short. Again, this is not complacency, nor is this a suggestion to let go of your firm boundaries.
Unconditional others-acceptance is choosing to not define someone for their choices or behaviors. ← ← ← reread that again.
We have to actively choose to look beyond their behaviors and choices and have the belief that there is more to that person.
Unconditional others-acceptance is allowing others to be their authentic, mistake-prone self, rather than casting judgment. It is choosing forgiveness and healing, rather than grudge-holding and shunning.
In a teens world, whewwww, this is a tough one! In their world-view, everyone must love and appreciate them for who they are, yet, when faced with diversity, many of them don’t fully accept those who act, dress or think different than them. You’ve heard the ~dramatic~ break-up story. “He told me he loved me, how can he already be dating someone else?” In the teen’s world, they demand that everyone is to approve and to appreciate them; they demand that their relationships mirror their desires and expectations. When they are not mirrored, cue the ~drama~.
How do we begin to incorporate unconditional others-acceptance? Just like you choosing to not demand perfection for yourself, you begin to let go of demanding others to uphold perfectionism. This type of acceptance is forgiving someone who let you down — but also engaging in boundary-setting. Unconditional others-acceptance is recognizing others will make mistakes, BUT not allowing it to turn your day for the worse. When we allow others to be ~human~ we can better engage in creative problem-solving, rather than behaving and speaking out of high levels of anger, sadness, etc. We can be a support for changing their behaviors and choices, rather than holding on to our own disturbances, as well as amplifying theirs.
With unconditional others-acceptance, we choose to not define someone by their deficits, even when (and especially when) that is the easier choice. By choosing this acceptance, along with unconditional self-acceptance, we can then have a more gratitude-filled and optimistic outlook on our life in general.
Unconditional Life-Acceptance
In a life of hyper-connectedness (instant availability via social media, texts, phone calls and emails), we can easily “awfulize” and jump to conclusion because there is often little-to-no context to that led up to the choice, behavior or words said. We see it in the media, on the news and even in our text treads. There are lots of opportunities for miscommunication, as well as jumping-to-conclusion because that’s what is familiar to our beliefs.
If we first engage in the unconditional self-acceptance, along with unconditional others-acceptance, we can then have a more accepting lens for the world around us. Our goal is to be able to look at the turmoil and societal discomfort and feel empowered and motivated to help bring forth change, as compared to the gloomy outlook that everything is “in shambles.”
Just as with the other acceptances, we do not support complacency or boundary-breaking. Unconditional life-acceptance is accepting the situation as is, but having the motivation and capacity to make a productive move, to craft a useful thought or to choose a genuine act. When you temporarily can’t improve the situation, you accept it as “bad” or “inconvenient” but not as “horrible” and “awful.” Then, you optimistically see that it can improve and that you are motivated to do your best to improve it, but not desperately or hopelessly. This is when meaningful change happens.
I am enjoying the journey of learning about and implementing the three acceptance beliefs of REBT. I am noticing more a-ha moments with my teens, as well as for myself. Unconditional acceptance is challenging, but overcoming challenges feels good. It feels good to be overcoming meaningful challenges that foster a more sustainable and gratitude-filled life.
I’m working through the texts, “Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy” and “The Art of Everyday Ecstasy” — both concepts compliment each other in the sense that REBT nips the impractical demands, while the other text provides tangibles in recognizing the everyday “awes” in life. The work of REBT holds us accountable to stop whining, moaning and demanding that things be fair, good and just at all times. REBT coaches us to learn from the efforts and to be able to maintain stability, especially when in difficult times. Finally, REBT helps us recognize that even though life is not easy, we will can still have the love and acceptance of ourselves, as well as many other enjoyments in life.
As the year comes to an end, I am trying to identify my personal demands, as well as the learned demands that, inevitably, increase my stress levels and hinder my capacity for compassion. My goal for the new year is to be better at constructing self-helping thoughts, feelings and actions. It is believed (and studies reinforce) that when we address demands and engage in unconditional acceptance, we will have a more peaceful life and more meaningful relationships. We will have a more peaceful life because we have a genuine understanding of the humanistic nature — perfection should be the motivation, not the expectation. Our relationships will be deeper because we choose to do the work instead of quitting on each other.
Value the journey. Appreciate the learning moments. Lean into a daily practice of gratitude. Offer compassion for yourself, for others and for the world around you. View setbacks as inevitable, but be eager for your next opportunity. Last, choose kindness over judgement and grudge-holding. You are capable for change and growth, and so are others. ❤️
Chat next week,
Jordan